I wrote this about a month ago and felt inspired to post it today when I read that the founder of Facebook (Mark Zuckerberg) announced that he and his beautiful partner Priscilla are expecting a baby girl after 3 miscarriages in a year. He wrote:
“You feel so hopeful when you learn you're going to have a child. You start imagining who they'll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they're gone. It's a lonely experience. Most people don't discuss miscarriages because you worry your problems will distance you or reflect upon you — as if you're defective or did something to cause this. So you struggle on your own.
In today's open and connected world, discussing these issues doesn't distance us; it brings us together. It creates understanding and tolerance, and it gives us hope.”
I felt so moved by this post so here’s my full miscarriage story that needs to be told…
As a society we need to talk about this, we need to vulnerable so that people going through this kind of sadness can feel the true spirit of support, compassion and empathy.
As a teacher of metaphysics and manifesting it was devastating when my soulmate and I lost our first baby the week before we got married in 2013. It threw my belief system into deep turmoil, and made me question my worthiness and my ability as a ‘self help’ teacher.
This would be the first of 5 losses over an eight month period. I’d already had two beautiful children with my first husband (the first pregnancy however ended in loss) and so I knew my body knew how to carry a baby and that it indeed could.
This time in my life, with my new man, marked the beginning of an 8 month journey where my faith in manifesting would be tested. I would need to get really comfortable with uncertainty and also to trust that no matter what happened was all part of a divine plan.
The second loss occurred on our honeymoon in the Dominican Republic. We had already seen her tiny strong heartbeat, and then I started to bleed at around the 8 week milestone.
For anyone that has ever experienced this type of loss, you know what it’s like to have the ultrasound technician break the news to you. Time stands still and you hold your breath because part of you already knows that the little being has already died inside you.
By the time I lost number 3, it was time to seek medical testing. I was now categorized as a ‘recurrent miscarriage’ patient. There were blood tests, internal exams, medication trials and even my husband was put under the microscope.
The fourth loss was the hardest because her tiny heartbeat kept hanging on for over 9 weeks even through she was growing slowly. My husband and I read thousands of forum posts online from women that had experienced bleeding during the early weeks or slow growth and their baby turned out just fine. This inspiration was so comforting in our time of need.
However, we quickly went from hope to despair when the chronically painful cramps really set in. I made my way to the emergency room where I passed my baby in the public restroom. I then placed her in a paper bag wrapped in toilet paper, handed it to the nurse so it could be analysed for abnormalities.
This was rock bottom for me. The sadness was intoxicating, dark and all-consuming… kind of like ‘The Nothing’ in the NeverEnding Story. I felt like such a failure.
After the 5th loss the doctor in the emergency room reviewed my overflowing stack of paperwork and test results, and said that it was just a case of ‘bad luck’. This wasn’t the most comforting thing to hear considering how badly we wanted to manifest a healthy baby. She also stated that my husband and I might need to look into IVF since there seemed to be no medical reason I couldn’t carry a child to full term.
During this time I realised how much women want to talk about the subject of miscarriage.
Even though as many as 1 in 3 women will experience this kind of loss during their lifetime, there is still so much stigma attached to it. I shared very openly on my blog and social media posts about what I was going through and it helped so much to know that other people had experienced a similar path. Hundreds of people sent me cards, gifts, gave me energetic healings, offered diet advice and the list goes on and on. In a sense the losses were a miracle to connect me to people that also needed closure and the option to open up an honest conversation about miscarriage that is so desperately needed.
Our souls felt so broken that we needed a change…
My husband and I knew we needed to take a break and needed time to heal (physically, emotionally, spiritually) so we moved states to live by the ocean. Within 10 days, I fell pregnant (again) accidentally. At 35, it was a statistical miracle to get pregnant this many times.
Number 6 left me bleeding at around the 6 week mark. Again, this time I knew the drill. It meant loss, it meant heartbreak and it meant that I would again have to circle around another round of grief for a baby I couldn’t birth.
Finally there was some progress when my new doctor told me I had a mutated MTHFR gene which meant that I couldn’t process folate to hold onto the pregnancies. I was also given a 50/50 chance that this pregnancy wouldn’t survive because there was some kind of ‘hematoma’ around the implantation site due to all of the scar tissue from the losses.
I wrote this message to my baby when I was waiting at the hospital to see if her heart was still beating:
“It’s going to be okay. I love you. Be safe. I’m grateful for you. I’m grateful to god/the Universe no matter what happens. It is my honor to carry you. No matter what the outcome I am here, I am well, you are safe.”
I truly believe that by being open to the process of loss that I energetically cleared the way for a miracle to occur.
Lulu Dawn was born on the 23rd of March 2015 – she’s a healthy, happy, beautiful baby girl that I believe was such a persistent soul that chose to be here to teach me that it was never a denial, it was just a delay.
If you’ve been through a miscarriage or know someone that has please let them know that they’re not alone. As horrible as it is, there is beauty that often emerges in the face of adversity. xo