My Life

5 Miscarriages In A Year, A Sea Change and Finally A Healthy Pregnancy Announcement

September 27, 2014

beautiful-necklance

A few months ago we made the decision that we needed to move to a tropical location and live by the beach (from Melbourne to Noosa). Our plan was to start to heal from the emotional pain and trauma of loss after loss. I had 5 miscarriages in about 8 months and I felt like a failure. My body was burnt out, my soul felt tired and it was time for a fresh start. My dearest wish was to work on the pain that had occurred and rid myself of the energy that was holding me back. Thanks to the special help of a couple of very unique healers, I was able to slowly get to a space of hopefulness.

After the first three losses I was offered placement at the Recurring Miscarriage Clinic at the Mercy Hospital to figure out the cause. I had numerous tests that all came back as inconclusive. All we knew is that that baby I lost in May was due to a chromosomal issue (like most losses) and that it would have been a girl. The others were ‘just rotten luck’ as one of the doctors had explained.

After the 5th loss I was keen to give my body a break, so my husband and I decided to be more ‘careful’ since he could pretty much sneeze on me and get me pregnant. However, all it takes is once and boom…magic happens.

Ten days after we drove 23 hours to move from state to state, I peed on the pregnancy test because I ‘just had a feeling’ that something might be different. Sure enough the miraculous two pink lines showed up and I knew we were in for another wild ride.

Of course my mind was racing with fear from week to week. Each day was a milestone. At around 6 weeks I started to bleed. It was an all too familiar episode.

Tears were flooding and I was so afraid that I would lose another baby. Sean (my husband) and I headed off to the hospital emergency room to figure out what was going on.

Considering I was pretty much an expert at miscarriages at this point, I knew that bleeding ‘always’ meant that things would be taking turn for the worst. I knew the drill – no heartbeat, slow heartbeat, no growth, no foetal pole – time for a D & C, perhaps Misprostal (the abortion drug) or a natural loss that feels like excruciating period pain.

The wait at the hospital to see a doctor can sometimes take hours of arduous waiting and waiting. The time drags – the dog-earred old magazines are filled with happy celebrity baby stories which are like rubbing salt on a wound.

After a few hours Sean had to leave to pick up the kids from school. I was feeling okay and told him that I knew what to expect and I would be fine.

Another hour passed and I decided to take out my phone and write message to the baby. This was an attempt at calming myself and getting my heart into a good space of being open to all possibilities.

It’s going to be okay. I love you. Be safe. I’m grateful for you. I’m grateful to god/the Universe no matter what happens. It is my honour to carry you. No matter what the outcome I am here, I am well, you are safe.

Then my name was called.

I went into the cubicle and explained my story to the doctor. They always ask if it’s IVF since not many people at my age (34) can conceive so easily and regularly. I was then taken down for an ultrasound – the final frontier, these things were always so definitive.

Sean wasn’t with me and I was kind of happy about that because I didn’t want to put him through the emotional pain again. I just knew that things weren’t working out, or so I convinced myself.

The technician inserted the probe. Oh gosh, it was one of those internal ultrasounds that gives you a really good look since everything in there is pretty tiny. 2014 is officially the year where the most about of people have seen my vagina – records have been broken *laugh*. 

The time slows right down to at snail’s pace when you’re at a crossroad like this. It’s a make or break slow motion experience where you have to hold your breath and hope for the best.

And then…

“See that, that boom boom boom? That’s the heartbeat!”

5 weeks 3 days and I got to see the heartbeat, 100 beats per minute.

I couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t believe there was life in there.

When Sean arrived I was sitting on the hospital bed grinning from ear to ear like an idiot, which really confused him. He was so relieved!

Everything looked fine and so the next leg of the waiting game would unfold. Apparently I had a ‘subchorionic hematoma’ which was a pool of blood in my uterus. The doctor told me it’s 50/50 chance of survival when these happen.

At about 6 weeks I had a second set of blood-work taken and my HCG levels were rising nicely. It was about this time that the morning sickness started to kick in with a vengeance.

I would literally have to carry plastic bags in my handbag in case I needed to throw up while I was out. Most of the day I felt dizzy, the smell of food would make me gag and all I could eat was 2-minute noodles because they were pretty easy to throw up. Even my days as a bulimic didn’t train me for morning sickness. I ‘thought’ I had it with my son and then got it worse with my daughter, but nothing like this. Absolutely nothing like the feeling of being perpetually ill and hugging the ‘porcelain pony’ several times per day. I know people that have experienced ‘hyperemesis gravidarum’ where it’s so bad they have to be hospitalised – just like the Dutchess of Cambridge. I’m pretty lucky it didn’t get to this, but there were many tears, tantrums and moments of desperation. It’s so hard to feel grateful when your stomach is churning and you’re too tired to lift your head off the bed. I just had remain focussed and keep my eyes on the prize.

Cooking food of any kind in our house has been kept to a bare minimum over the last 7 weeks, and only now and am I starting to emerge from my bed and feel a little bit normal again. Ginger beer and salt crackers have been my faithful friend.

Baby Prout-Simpson

(baby Prout-Simpson arriving mid-late March 2015)

When I hit 12 weeks I was so happy. Apparently the likelihood of miscarriage is really low. Our ultrasound showed a perfectly perfect little being that actually measured 4 days more than we thought. The baby had 10 fingers, 10 toes and long little legs. He/she had the hiccups and was sucking his/her thumb! I’m also starting to show now a little too.

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(this is my first baby bump photo)

There was a minor concern with some of the bloodwork and the measurement of the Nuchal scan so I had to do another round of prenatal testing called the Verifii test. The doctor assured me that everything looks okay and she just wants to be sure in order to put my mind at rest. Sean and I made the decision that we will have this baby no matter what.

So this week will will know for sure if everything is okay and if our baby is a boy or a girl. I am so excited to get that phone call! I’ll probably announce it on Facebook so watch this space. The response on Facebook from our family and friends has been so overwhelming, Sean, Thomas, Olivia and I feel incredibly grateful.

In summary, it’s crazy to think that in the last 12 months I have been pregnant for 10 of them. And now at a little over 13 weeks I am so thrilled to feel hopeful that one day I’ll finally hold this soul baby in my arms. xo

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Entrepreneurial Spirit

SPROUT MAGAZINE: Articles Wanted

September 22, 2014

SPROUT MAGAZINE

Many of you might not know that about 8 years ago I started the first version of SPROUT MAGAZINE. It was an online ‘flippable’ document that I loved curating and putting together. It was pretty advanced techy stuff for back then, before the days of social media and selfies.

Recently I have been taking some time to re-think what I really want and to do. I’ve also been doing some long overdue soul-searching and I came up with this new mission and vision. The idea is to build a team (writers, columnists, editors), build a community and a buzzing hive of inspirational content.

SPROUT MAGAZINE is an edgy, real, authentic, creative and inspiring online world for women. Our goal is to spark empowered lifestyle advice that will help you to create a business and life you love.

SPROUT MAGAZINE (online) is launching on November 1st and we’re currently looking for article submissions on the following topics:

  • Wellness: (mind, body, spirit, recipes)
  • Entrepreneurship (money, creativity, tech, blogging, productivity)
  • Relationships (sex, dating, self-love, divorce, parenting)
  • Inspiration (affirmations, meditations, mindset, happiness, magic)
  • Style (fashion, beauty, home, office)
  • Design (art, craft, DIY)

Or if you are an expert and would love to pitch the idea of having your own regular column please drop me a line.

*submissions close on October 28th.

If you’d like the chance to build your writing portfolio of published articles then we would love for you to join our upcoming community.

Step 1: Please email articles (no more than 500 words) to editor@sproutmag.com

Step 2: Include possible title and mini description

Step 3: Include a short bio, link to your blog/website and author photo.

**Please note that due to the large volume of submissions not all articles can be published, but you will receive a response no matter what. If successful, you will be given an official publication date.

I feel so inspired and fired up about this new project. Behind the scenes our publishing company are working on a new compilation book called Heart to Heart: The Path to Wellness, our self-publishing division (Verbii.com) is nearly booked up for the rest of the year and it feels like the right time to create something new.

My goal here is to provide a space for women to share what they’re truly passionate about. This in turn provides more exposure, back-links to their blog (which is great for SEO), the opportunity to be seen by thousands of readers and to know that SPROUT MAGAZINE is leading the way in terms of creating positive impact in the world.

To stay updated about everything SPROUT related please ‘like’ our new page on Facebook.

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Affirmations, featured

11 Powerful Affirmations for Abundance

September 4, 2014

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I thought I would share my most favourite abundance affirmations from the fabulous Florence Scovel Shinn. Say them aloud, really feel into the space of prosperity, print them, share them, and allow for abundance to unfold.

1. I now draw form the abundance of the spheres my immediate and endless supply. All channels are free! All doors are open!

2. I now release the gold-mine within me. I am linked with an endless golden stream of prosperity which comes to me under grace in perfect ways.

3. Goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of abundance forever.

4. My God is a God of plenty and I now receive all that I desire or require, and more.

5. All that is mine by Divine Right is now released and reaches me in great avalanches of abundance, under grace in miraculous ways.

6. My supply is endless, inexhaustible and immediate and comes to me under grace in perfect ways.

7. All channels are free and all doors fly open for my immediate and endless, Divinely Designed supply.

8. I give thanks that the millions which are mine by Divine Right, now pour in and pile up under grace in perfect ways.

9. Unexpected doors fly open, unexpected channels are free, and endless avalanches of abundance are poured out upon me, under grace in perfect ways.

10. I spend money under direct inspiration wisely and fearlessly knowing my supply is endless and immediate.

11. I am fearless in letting money go out, knowing God is my immediate and endless supply. Did you love these? Share the abundance by hitting the share button.

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Soul + Passion

5 Easy Ways to Spontaneously Meditate

August 12, 2014

MeditationIt’s proven that mediation has fabulous health benefits. Not only does it reduce stress levels and release happy hormones in your brain, but it means that you feel engaged and connected to a higher power.

Being connected to our higher selves is so important. Whether you called it Force, Source, God, The Universe…whatever…meditation is a way to recharge the soul batteries and take a chill pill.

If making yourself meditate isn’t your thing, then check out the following 5 ways your brain will roll into Alpha and give you similar effects with little or no effort.

1. During sexy-sexy time

You’re relaxed, surrendered, fully present (sometimes) and participating in an act of love. Sex (lurve making) is an excellent way to connect with your own soul and/or the soul of your soulmate.

2. In the car

When you’re on the road sometimes it’s so easy to drift into a space of mindfulness where you’re aware on the traffic conditions (for safety) but you’re also allowing your mind to drift into a peaceful space of surrender.

3. Playing with your pets

Animals are the Universal ambassadors of joy. When you connect with your pets then you are meditating because you’re being fully present with them. It’s not like your dog will hold a grudge about the past, they are fully here now and wagging their tails. Go on, wag your tail.

4. Being in nature

As I’m writing these words I can hear birds singing and the roar of the beautiful ocean outside my window – the sun has just risen over the water.

Whether it’s feeling your feet on the sand or walking through a garden smelling freshly cut grass or watching butterflies flitter around you – try and appreciate the nature around you.

When you are in wonderment of it then you tune into its vibration and it becomes your mediation.

5. Waiting in a line

Instead of feeling ticked off or grumpy that you have to wait in a queue at the post office why not turn it into an opportunity to cultivate presence? Observe the beauty all around you and see the humanity. A friend of mine once told me that infinite patience gives you immediate results.

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Truth + Wisdom

Stay or Leave? The Many Facets of Verbal Abuse

August 11, 2014

I get a lot of women writing to me since we released the 21 Days to Attract Your Soulmate course earlier this year. I get amazing questions like this…

“I am also considering myself in a phase of huge growth, and am questioning my relationship. While not abusive, verbal abuse shows up every three months or so. It also seems we’re growing apart as our ‘beliefs’ are changing … e.g. life is hard vs. life is great … as well as spiritual stuff. Sometimes I think it would free me to move on, but I don’t want to ‘give up’ either.”

“He calls me a bitch or says I’m stupid at least once a month. I know it’s more about him than it is me, it just leaves me questioning whether or not we should be together.”

As I tell all of my clients and students, I am not a professional with relationship stuff. All I can offer is my perspective and experience and maybe that will shed some insight and light.

 

Verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse – it screws with your brain plasticity and rewires your sense of self to behave differently. Honestly, it changes who you are but as a caveat here, there is a very broad spectrum of what someone should be willing to tolerate.

I have been verbally abusive and I have been verbally (and physically) abused. The word ‘abuse’ is so loaded and heavy.

We all makes mistakes. No one is perfect and I think that communication break down and frustration is the most likely reason why partners peck away at their loved ones. They feel out of control and feel not so good about themselves, so they take it out on people around them. This is the most likely weak spot where you’re often finding that you’re drifting apart instead of growing together in the same direction.

As one half of a relationship you need to be on the same page and not stuck in a cycle of pushing the self destruct button when things get rough. You’re either in or you’re out – the fence sitting has to end because that lack of honest commitment to what you really want would cause a lot of anxiety and stress.

Action: Get clear about what you really want.

I sat on the fence for a decade and just heaped on the excuses and ignored my feelings. For me it was what I imagine being gay and pretending that you’re straight would be like. I wasn’t living my authentic truth of being in the kind of relationship I wanted for myself.

With my love Sean, we have had some epic fights that have sometimes teetered over the boundaries into being not okay – but they are still fixable and after the storm has passed we break down a new way of being and handling situations. We discuss what we want and that our mutual focus is that we love one another and want to share our lives as a union in the fullest way possible.

Yes, he’s called me a bitch and I’ve hurled insults at him that he’s an arse-hole, a cock smack or a dick head – but it’s still in the heat of the moment and I know the difference. I’m fully owning the immaturity here, we both did after the event.

The best advice was given to us by a dear friend that suggested we use a safety word or a code word that is non-negotiable and we are to go to our own separate corners to cool down and we will regroup when the aggression has settled. This has helped tremendously. Not so much due to the code word, but due to the fact that it has given us a filter to walk away when we know things are getting heated.

As a union is a super-valuable tool to remember and practice.

With my first husband he used a creative gamut of verbal abuse saying that no one would love me with the spare tyre I had around my middle or that I was a Fat Slag (gosh, that was a nasty one) especially after I had just given birth to my daughter.

The difference between the two was that one was used to hurt and go in for the kill to damage my self of self, and the other is a heat of the moment outburst to shock me out of my spiral – huge difference in my opinion.

One is part of the healthy and not-so-often disagreements that a married couple might experience and the other pecks away at your soul and manipulates you into thinking that you’re less than you are.

I would love to live in a happy land of Unicorns where it’s all rosy all the time, but it’s not. Relationships are our teachers that whip our souls into shape and make us better people. When they start to hurt our hearts and make them feel heavy, it’s definitely time to make a choice and make a change.

I hope this helps a little and inspires you to stand back and witness next time this happens (if it does) and know that not everything is black and white, or cut and dry – there is a middle ground where you have the awareness to discern how you really want to be treated in your life and what you’re willing to put up with.

Just like physical abuse, the biggest issue is the silence and the stigma associated with our relationships not being perfect.

Screw being perfect – you are a beautiful energetic being that deserves to feel heard, validated and happy.

I would love to know your thoughts and experiences about this. please feel free to comment below.

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