Imagine a suitcase, perhaps a vintage piece of luggage…
The leather is worn, the gold zip is bulging because the contents of the case are so overly stuffed. Now imagine that you have to drag this piece of luggage with you everywhere you go, perhaps even from one decade into the next. The weight is so heavy due to shame, blame and pain. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Today, I want to give you permission to let go of the past and put it behind you for good. Too often I see people dragging their past wounds and painful experiences into their present moment because they keep talking about them and resurrecting the energy. They literally breathe new life into the past as an intention every time they retell the story with energy and drama behind it.
Let me give you an example…
I was married for 10 years in a physically abusive marriage. The “wrongness” of my situation became a story, and then eventually an identity. In the early days of my divorce, I became obsessed with how awful and wrong my ex-husband was. I hated how neglected I felt and I resented him for not showing up as the father I would have wanted for my first two children. Can you identify the fierce and dramatically charged words there? Trust me, it’s a long story for another day.
Other than giving birth to two beautiful children, the product of our 10-year union was emotional pain, isolation and a cycle of forgiveness and perpetual shame. We both held on by a thread for so long, clutching the belief that something could change. However, even after I left, I still dragged that big old suitcase of guilt, blame and pain with me everywhere I went. Even though I manifested the most amazing new relationship with my current husband (and man of my dreams: Sean Patrick Simpson) the first few years must have been a nightmare for him. My energy kept the wrongdoings of the past alive, by my daily reinforcement of how much my first husband sucked. It meant that I was unable to receive the love that Sean was offering me.
Imagine that? Imagine how patient my new husband must have been to put up with that bullshit? And yes, divorce can be brutal at the best of times. However, after the legal process was done and dusted I believe I probably needed some professional closure to put the past behind me. Upon reflection now, I honestly didn’t know the damage I was doing to myself.
You see, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
I want you to know that the past doesn’t have to equal the future. Ideally, we are always steering the ship at the helm of our conscious choices. I wish now (in hindsight) that I had managed my energy better. Too much energy was spent feeling like a victim and wishing that things could have been different despite the fact that the new life I have created for myself was so incredibly amazing.
Some of my inner dialogue included…
If only I didn’t have an affair. If only he didn’t destroy all of my stuff with scissors and a hammer. If only he signed the divorce papers by the deadline. If only he showed up on time when it was his weekend to see the kids. If only he would pay his child support on time and for it to be the right amount. If only he would call the kids more.
Holy Moly! I’m exhausted just listing all of that crap out. You know why? Because it’s shifting the structure of my cells. I can feel it as I’m writing these words. But for illustrative purposes I want you to know and to fully comprehend the power of our words.
So to get back to the story…
Nearly four years out of my first marriage it came time to try for a baby with my amazing new husband. I believe my body went into shock. On a cellular level, my body became frightened of having another baby. And if you know my story, you’ll remember I had 5 miscarriage in 10 months. It was one of the most powerless times in my life where “uncertainty” poked holes in my belief system and kicked the crap out of me.
Even as a manifesting teacher, I had forgotten that attention goes where energy flows.
So when I finally released my ex from the burden of my horrendous expectations and I let go of my anger, I believe it allowed my body to finally conceived a healthy baby. In mid-2014 we also moved states to live by the ocean. This soulful pattern interrupt allowed my soul time to recalibrate. And now after living in America for nearly 2 years I believe the energetic cord has finally been cut forever and it feels fantastic.
Shifting your energy consciously will always have powerful results.
So please, my dear friend, if you’re lugging around that giant, overstuffed suitcase of shame, blame and pain (however it manifests for you) then walk up to an imaginary cliff in your mind and throw it off the edge.
Send those demons love. In fact, love the eff out of them because they have made you who you are today. It’s time to (when you’re ready of course) begin a gentle and self-compassion filled process of healing the past and stepping into a vibrant and compelling new future. Remember to pave the energy of tomorrow with the happy and healed thoughts of today. xo