I wrote this about a month ago and felt inspired to post it today when I read that the founder of Facebook (Mark Zuckerberg) announced that he and his beautiful partner Priscilla are expecting a baby girl after 3 miscarriages in a year. He wrote:

“You feel so hopeful when you learn you’re going to have a child. You start imagining who they’ll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they’re gone. It’s a lonely experience. Most people don’t discuss miscarriages because you worry your problems will distance you or reflect upon you — as if you’re defective or did something to cause this. So you struggle on your own.

In today’s open and connected world, discussing these issues doesn’t distance us; it brings us together. It creates understanding and tolerance, and it gives us hope.”

I felt so moved by this post so here’s my full miscarriage story that needs to be told…

As a society we need to talk about this, we need to vulnerable so that people going through this kind of sadness can feel the true spirit of support, compassion and empathy.

As a teacher of metaphysics and manifesting it was devastating when my soulmate and I lost our first baby the week before we got married in 2013. It threw my belief system into deep turmoil, and made me question my worthiness and my ability as a ‘self help’ teacher.

This would be the first of 5 losses over an eight month period. I’d already had two beautiful children with my first husband (the first pregnancy however ended in loss) and so I knew my body knew how to carry a baby and that it indeed could.

This time in my life, with my new man, marked the beginning of an 8 month journey where my faith in manifesting would be tested. I would need to get really comfortable with uncertainty and also to trust that no matter what happened was all part of a divine plan.

The second loss occurred on our honeymoon in the Dominican Republic. We had already seen her tiny strong heartbeat, and then I started to bleed at around the 8 week milestone.

For anyone that has ever experienced this type of loss, you know what it’s like to have the ultrasound technician break the news to you. Time stands still and you hold your breath because part of you already knows that the little being has already died inside you.

By the time I lost number 3, it was time to seek medical testing. I was now categorized as a ‘recurrent miscarriage’ patient. There were blood tests, internal exams, medication trials and even my husband was put under the microscope.

The fourth loss was the hardest because her tiny heartbeat kept hanging on for over 9 weeks even through she was growing slowly. My husband and I read thousands of forum posts online from women that had experienced bleeding during the early weeks or slow growth and their baby turned out just fine. This inspiration was so comforting in our time of need.

However, we quickly went from hope to despair when the chronically painful cramps really set in. I made my way to the emergency room where I passed my baby in the public restroom. I then placed her in a paper bag wrapped in toilet paper, handed it to the nurse so it could be analysed for abnormalities.

This was rock bottom for me. The sadness was intoxicating, dark and all-consuming… kind of like ‘The Nothing’ in the NeverEnding Story. I felt like such a failure.

After the 5th loss the doctor in the emergency room reviewed my overflowing stack of paperwork and test results, and said that it was just a case of ‘bad luck’. This wasn’t the most comforting thing to hear considering how badly we wanted to manifest a healthy baby. She also stated that my husband and I might need to look into IVF since there seemed to be no medical reason I couldn’t carry a child to full term.

During this time I realised how much women want to talk about the subject of miscarriage.

Even though as many as 1 in 3 women will experience this kind of loss during their lifetime, there is still so much stigma attached to it. I shared very openly on my blog and social media posts about what I was going through and it helped so much to know that other people had experienced a similar path. Hundreds of people sent me cards, gifts, gave me energetic healings, offered diet advice and the list goes on and on. In a sense the losses were a miracle to connect me to people that also needed closure and the option to open up an honest conversation about miscarriage that is so desperately needed.

Our souls felt so broken that we needed a change…

My husband and I knew we needed to take a break and needed time to heal (physically, emotionally, spiritually) so we moved states to live by the ocean. Within 10 days, I fell pregnant (again) accidentally. At 35, it was a statistical miracle to get pregnant this many times.

Number 6 left me bleeding at around the 6 week mark. Again, this time I knew the drill. It meant loss, it meant heartbreak and it meant that I would again have to circle around another round of grief for a baby I couldn’t birth.

Finally there was some progress when my new doctor told me I had a mutated MTHFR gene which meant that I couldn’t process folate to hold onto the pregnancies. I was also given a 50/50 chance that this pregnancy wouldn’t survive because there was some kind of ‘hematoma’ around the implantation site due to all of the scar tissue from the losses.

I wrote this message to my baby when I was waiting at the hospital to see if her heart was still beating:

“It’s going to be okay. I love you. Be safe. I’m grateful for you. I’m grateful to god/the Universe no matter what happens. It is my honor to carry you. No matter what the outcome I am here, I am well, you are safe.”

I truly believe that by being open to the process of loss that I energetically cleared the way for a miracle to occur.

LuluDawn

Lulu Dawn was born on the 23rd of March 2015 – she’s a healthy, happy, beautiful baby girl that I believe was such a persistent soul that chose to be here to teach me that it was never a denial, it was just a delay.

If you’ve been through a miscarriage or know someone that has please let them know that they’re not alone. As horrible as it is, there is beauty that often emerges in the face of adversity. xo

I promise that even if you just give up one of the things on the following list of 15 items, your life will change and you’ll start to feel more happy, healthy and hot in no time. Are you ready? Let’s begin.

You need to give up…

1. Approval seeking

The approval seeking cycle can run pretty deep in some people. Once you learn to see that what other people think of you is none of your business, then your life will begin to blossom and you can breathe a sigh of relief. Own your decisions, don’t second guess yourself and stand strong in your unique perspective on life.

Affirmation: I don’t need your approval. I am enough.

2. Blaming others

The ‘blame game’ can be a natural reflex for people that are always willing to point the finger and not assume responsibility for their role or involvement in certain events or (in most cases) family dramas. Blame is a toxic energy that harms your spirit and sticks to it like shit to a blanket. When you become aware of it and banish blame then you will feel so much lighter, happier and healthier.

Affirmation: I take responsibility for all of my actions.

3. Hanging onto the past

The inability to let go of your past is like keeping it alive in the present. Ask yourself if you want to lug around the same baggage year after year. Or do you want to live in the present moment where the magic happens?

Let it go.

Affirmation: I let go of my past and honour it for helping me to get where I am now.

4. Speaking with food in your mouth and eating too fast

This is a two-part mastication thing to give up. Poor table manners are not very hot. So if you have your mouth full of food then please refrain from speaking – this will make you look hotter than you could ever possibly look spraying burrito chunks all over the place as you are emphatically explaining the details of your day.

And two, slow the eff down and chew your food. All of the magical digestive enzymes that make it a hell of a lot easier on your stomach to break down the meal happen in your mouth before it descends down your gullet.

Affirmation: I eat with consciousness in order to nourish my temple.

5. Thinking you have to be perfect

You are perfect, just as you are. Yes, there are things you can do in order to improve the quality of your life but everything right now, in this very moment, is perfect.

Affirmation: In this moment, I am enough.

6. Judging and ‘shoulding’ on others

My Nana Mollie used to peel the banana from the non-stalk end – really it made no sense. When questioned she would say it’s ‘A way’ and not ‘THE way’ – meaning that there multiple ways to do things in life.

It is our own programming that makes us think we have things figured out better or more efficient than someone else. Actually, it’s pure arrogance to think we have the right to tell people how they should or shouldn’t behave.

Judgement of others is an inability to see that there are infinite perspectives and ways of doing things.

Affirmation: I accept others for who they are and keep my two-cents to myself.

7. Emotional manipulation

Ooh this is nasty. It can creep into your life as blackmail, silent war or most of all entitlement issues that make you feel like you’re allowed to play and toy with someone else’s feelings in order to get your own way.

“Change or I’ll leave you.”

“Grow up or it’s over.”

Ultimatums are very common ways people emotionally manipulate others. And they don’t work, 

Sadly, we know the buttons to push within our loved ones and sometimes when we don’t feel very good about ourselves we know how to go in for the kill and push them in order to get our own way. Sometimes emotional manipulation is so well hidden you don’t even know it’s there.

Affirmation: I promise to remove any and all traces of being a sociopath for the greater good of the people around me – especially my loved ones.

8. Addiction to drama

Oh my god! OMG! Are you serious? Are you effing kidding me? She did what? Oh no she didn’t!

Yes life can be dramatic. As Shakespeare once said:

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”

Being overly dramatic can have serious effects on your life. You get drawn into energy that doesn’t belong to you. You thrive off business that doesn’t belong to you. Lose the drama.

Affirmation: I refuse to unleash my inner drama queen, instead I choose to focus on energy that serves me.

9. Ignoring your intuition

You know, the gut feeling that tells you to follow your heart or avoid a certain path. You need to stop ignoring your inner whispers and listen to the voices (unless they’re saying crazy stuff). By following your intuition you all for things to manifest a lot more easily into your reality. 

Affirmation: I honour and cherish my intuition.

10. Hiding your dreams from your loved ones

Is you vision board hiding under the bed, or behind the door? Own your intentions. You don’t have to trumpet them to the world with a megaphone, but not expressing your desires to your loved ones is a powerful affirmation to the Universe that you’re not ready to receive your wishes. Manifesting requires fearless bravery. 

Affirmation: I am worthy of my goals, dreams, wishes and desires.

11. Feeling the need to be right

Very dear friends of mine introduced me to this question: Would you rather be right or would you rather be in love?

When you let go of your stubbornness and focus on agreeing to disagree you have just discovered the magic recipe for relationship harmony.

Affirmation: I would rather be in love than right.

12. Limiting beliefs, labels and statistics

You might have been told that the odds aren’t good, something isn’t likely to happen or that the statistics aren’t in your favour. Rise above it and hold the belief that anything is possible. Miracles happen every day.

Affirmation: I am a limitless being and anything is possible.

13. Control and safety

Seeking safety and control in the various areas of our life can be extremely cumbersome. It can show up as imbalance in relationships, weird obsessive behaviours and depression. Letting go of the need to be in charge all the time and comfortable can be the quickest path to liberation.

Affirmation: I release the need for control and it feels amazing.

14. Seeking happiness externally

Nothing can make you happy, you choose it from within. It’s not anyone’s responsibility to make you feel a sense of happiness.

Affirmation: I am responsible for my own happiness.

15. Not jumping out of your comfort zone

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Just jump.

Affirmation: I am open to new adventures in my life.

The picture on the right is of an orchid my dad gave me for my 33rd birthday back in 2012. It bloomed once and then dried out. I’d kept the plant, despite its withered appearance and watered it (rarely) thinking that one day it might come back to life and grow flowers again. I was on the verge of throwing it away, when I had the idea of seeing it in my mind’s eye blooming beautiful orchids once again. Sure enough, two years after it had shown any sign of life, it’s now flowering and I feel that this is a huge correlation to the story that follows…

If you’ve ever had a miscarriage you’ll know how easy it is to blame yourself and wonder whether or not it is something you did that caused the loss. Just like my orchid, you’ll wonder if you have the right environment for new life to grow. What I know now is that it’s a delay and not a denial and that everything has a Divine plan. 

If you’ve followed my story you’ll know that I’ve had 6 miscarriages in total, five of them happening in a 12 month period. I’m really toying with the idea of writing a book about the whole experience because I have honestly learned so much. Just as there is more than one way to skin a cat (such a horrible saying), so too are the various ways you can experience a miscarriage.

I literally had hundreds of different women (and a few men) writing to me with ideas (and some concerns) about what I should be eating, drinking, thinking and contemplating. I had help from healers, shaman, witches and mother nature experts all over the world. I consumed green juices, purchased expensive herbs and lotions and looked for signs that my soul baby was ready to finally come through.

Each loss was different and yet the feeling of failure would worsen. Honestly, 2014 has been one of the hardest and shittiest years of my life. However, it’s also been one of the best. Go figure. 

In June, my husband and I decided to move to the beach (Noosa) to reclaim some presence that had been sorely lacking from our time in Melbourne. We knew a fresh start would be the best thing in order to take a break from ‘trying’ to make a baby. Our souls needed to re-set, recalibrate and figure out a way to move forward somehow. The agony of loss after loss had made our first year of marriage strengthen our love, but wilt our exuberance.

This is a scan of Little Miss Prout-Simpson measuring 22 weeks and 2 days. We have chosen a beautiful name for her that we can't wait to share in just 16 or so weeks. 

This is a scan of Little Miss Prout-Simpson measuring 22 weeks and 2 days. We have chosen a beautiful name for her that we can’t wait to share in just 16 or so weeks.

Within 10 days of living by the ocean I fell pregnant with the daughter I am due to give birth to in March 2015. Our prayers were answered. 

Before we moved states, I had seen so many doctors and specialists at the Recurring Miscarriage Clinic in Melbourne. However, it was when I found a local GP here on the Sunshine Coast that asked if I had ever been tested for the gene mutation called MTHFR that I knew I was on the right track. However, by the time I found her I was already pregnant, and if I had heard the results of my test before I fell pregnant then I probably would have given up all hope and stopped trying. You see, the statistics were pretty bad odds and after all of the losses I just wouldn’t have been strong enough to face it all again.

MTHFR and Auto-Immune Disease

It turns out the doctor found the physical reason I wasn’t able to grow a baby past 9 weeks gestation. We all have two MTHFR genes, one inherited from each parent. Some people have a genetic mutation in one gene – referred to as a heterozygous mutation – or a mutation in both genes, which is referred to as a homozygous mutation. I have a mutation in both genes which means my ability to process folate, which is vital for baby growth is all screwed up.

Luckily early intervention with super-dooper doses of vitamins and regular shots of B12 helped me to get over each scary milestone. In theory, this pregnancy is a miracle. With my age (35) and my genes working against me, it seemed unlikely that we would see a healthy result. Early on I experienced bleeding, but after 3 solid months of morning sickness I knew that this baby was growing.

MTHFR research is so new that not many doctors know that it can be the culprit for fertility issues such as a recurrent miscarriage.

There are things you can do to manage MTHFR such as having a special diet and other things to avoid, but that’s a blog post for another day, or perhaps a book.

On the flip-side of this baby making coin, however, I need to acknowledge the inner work that needed to be done in order to allow the baby to grow and stay with me. 

I really feel that cultivating worthiness and letting go of pain from the past is imperative in order to move forward. Just like seeing the orchid grow flowers again, I held the intention that Sean and I were destined to make a baby.

For me, I made peace with the fact that I already had two beautiful children that made it into the world despite my mutant genes. I was thrilled to know that this is probably the reason I miscarried at 16 weeks when I was just 20 years old. It also explains why it took me nearly 4 years to fall pregnant with my daughter.

I truly believe that with a combination of understanding the physical aspects of our bodies and cherishing and understanding the metaphysical side to ourselves that it is the key to unlocking rich and fulfilling outcomes no matter what they might be.

The biggest lesson was the power of becoming comfortable with uncertainty and letting go of the outcome. If anything, MTHFR is in my awareness to remind me to take better care of myself.

If you’d like to know more about MTHFR please visit here. Alternatively, if you’ve suffered a miscarriage and need support please visit SANDS.

The beauty of life is that our perception changes over time based on experience and what shows up in our reality.

It’s so easy to assume and to judge what someone else is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes. I don’t think I really understood this concept until all of my preconceived notions and judgements of other people were challenged – and it’s still an ongoing process.

I remember when I would threaten to leave my ex-husband and he would say that I’d end up like ‘Ivy’ – a single mother that we knew that lived in a poorer part of town. The fear and my judgement of ‘Ivy’ is what made me stay, until I became her and found it to be the most empowering experience ever. My perception of single motherhood shifted and allowed me to break down the fear and see the beauty through it.

Another example is when we discovered that our neighbours were getting divorced because the husband had an affair with a younger woman. I remember feeling rattled and angry that he did this to his wife and to their three children – until I myself had an affair the following Autumn. What I learnt from that experience was that there are so many other layers going on within a relationship that you can’t know about unless you’re in it.

I remember when I was a teenager there was this local homeless guy called John who was as cranky as Oscar the Grouch. He sported the most acrid stench and lugged around a blanket like Linus from Peanuts. John would urinate in store doorways and yell at people from a distance.

Apparently he was a wealthy businessman with a loving family and the word on the street was that he chose to live this lifestyle of homelessness to keep his family away from the sadness of his mental illness.

Too often we jump to make things wrong without knowing the full picture.

Another common judgement is that when you have more money you’ll be happy and problems just disappear – they don’t. You see the lessons keep showing up until you ‘get’ them.

The best attitude to carry around in your heart is compassion – not only for others but for yourself.

The bottom line and the golden thread that binds us all is that we are all living, breathing, human beings. We all crave the same intrinsic comforts to stay alive.

So next time you think of assuming that things are a certain way, stop, pause and cultivate the awareness that there is always so much more behind the perception of a story.

The Power of Hitting Rock Bottom

Hitting rock bottom is a blessing. You’re at the end of your rope, at your wit’s end, up to your ears in despair and ready abandon ship. At this point in your life there is only one way to go and it’s usually up. It’s time to reframe your perspective and re-assess what you really want to create in your life.

The defining happy moments and highlights in our lives are cherished – when a child is born, wedding days, landing a book deal etc. But in hindsight (oh, what powerful teacher) there are the defining low points in our lives that we know shaped who we are today.

We look back and see how emotional pain illuminated a new path and created profound change.

Hitting rock bottom is just an illusion and an opportunity for expansion. I’ve hit it so many times myself in various ways, but the awareness that it can always be worse is an extremely important tool for your spiritual toolbox.  You can’t always remember when you’re in the thick, all-foreboding raptures of rock-bottomness but it’s important to note that any time you feel overwhelmed by life not going your way that it’s all part of a beautiful story that is being woven by your soul.

So if you’re crying uncontrollably, feeling hopeless, uninspired, overwhelmed, angry or even depressed, please have some self-compassion and ask for support. Surround yourself in gentle reminders that tough times pass and that everything will always look a little better tomorrow. Try things like shifting your energy by doing new things or getting clear about what you want to manifest in your life.

One of my most favourite quotes by Florence Scovel Shinn is this:

“Every great work, every big accomplishment, has been brought into manifestation through holding to the vision, and often just before the big achievement, comes apparent failure and discouragement.”

Rock bottom is apparent failure at her best. Ride it with gratitude and watch how strong you become.

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