I’d like to dedicate this post to my husband, who is my greatest support, my best friend and a constant source of inspiration. Also to anyone that has experienced the loss of a pregnancy, at any stage. My heart goes out to you with big soul hugs.

Let me set the scene for you…

We were on our honeymoon, in a tropical paradise location in the Carribean for an event called Zentrepreneur and Awesomenessfest. We were amongst the most highly inspired entrepreneurs on the planet thanks to MindValley.

I was just over 8 weeks pregnant. We were thrilled to see a healthy and strong tiny heartbeat and were only just starting to tell a few people the happy news. I had been experiencing morning sickness and all of the beautiful fun that accompanies starting to grow a new, awesome human. However, intuitively I felt that something wasn’t right.

On our 5th night in Punta Cana I started bleeding and knew I needed to get to a hospital. However, hospital care wasn’t an option. We were 5 hours away on a plane back to New York and at least 2 days away from returning home to Australia. As much as I wanted to stay at the event, I knew that we needed to leave. There was a gentle whisper of knowingness that flying back home was the path of least resistance.

Set amongst the distress of the situation unfolded the most sublime level of emotional, spiritual and physical support that I have ever encountered.

This is my third miscarriage. I had one when I was 20, at 16 weeks – which was devastating because it was my first. My second miscarriage happened at 5 weeks, oddly enough the week before I got married in September this year. I then fell pregnant immediately after and we were so happy. We were plotting out names, thinking about how to decorate the baby’s room and wondering what he or she would look like – whether or not it would look like my other children.

I think the pain with this kind of loss is the broken dreams. The physicality of the situation is so harsh and brutal and at the same time is a natural balance and cleansing taking place.

So back to the story…

We booked our tickets back to Australia. There were two options. One was a long stop-over in Iran (no thanks) and the other was to spend a night in New York and then fly to LA and then to Brisbane and then to Melbourne. The cramping was pretty bad, but the emotional distress was worse. All I wanted was to get to an ultrasound machine and hear my baby’s heartbeat again to know that everything was going to be okay.

In the time before we left I received a healing from Dr. Fabrizio Mancini who was a guest speaker at the event. Sean connected with him and brought him back to our room. He introduced himself to me, and clearly sensed that I was distressed. In all honesty, I have never experienced this kind of healing before. On all levels (emotionally, mentally and spiritually) I was invited to become aware of the need for self-healing and forgiveness. I received some chiropractic care and also formed a connection with Dr. Fab as a new friend for life. Please check out his work, and get to know more about this man. His work is phenomenal and I felt so blessed to have crossed paths with him when I needed support. He was able to help take the fear away. He also helped me to see that no matter what happens, everything would be okay.

Secondly, I can’t express my gratitude enough to our friend Vishen Lakhiani (founder of MindValley) for giving me some beautiful heart-felt advice during the period of distress. Everyone urged me to stay, but I knew that I needed to get on a plane and follow my intuition.

Also, we connected with and had an emotional healing session with Anil Gupta. His advice and support will always be cherished.

Dawn Nicole Hoang and Dallyce Brisbin were my appointed soul sisters that I cherish with all of my heart.

Honestly, this baby’s departure orchestrated the most amazing alignment of energy and forming of friendships that I am so grateful for.

So we left beautiful Punta Cana, flew to New York and spent the day taking it easy. I cannot explain how amazing my husband is. He kept asking me in which ways I needed his support. Not once did I feel like he wasn’t there for me. We were there, experiencing the ‘not knowing what the fuck is going on’ together as a unified force. I think we love one another more because of going through this experience.

The flight was long but we slept most of the way. When we arrived in Brisbane it was 4 hours until our plane left for Melbourne, so we decided to collect our luggage and book ourselves into a luxury hotel in Noosa. My children were there anyway, staying with their grandmother. By being spontaneous, it meant that I didn’t have to fly back up again to collect them.

Either way, if it was good news we could relax, or if it was bad news, we could relax.

We hired a car and drove for 2 hours to the Sunshine Coast hospital. We sat in the waiting room for about 5 hours until I was seen for my ultra sound.

Time stands still when you’re waiting to see the result.

The darkened room felt cold, like a tunnel into any given reality. I had Sean at my feet, holding tight.

“I’m not seeing a heartbeat.” Said the ultrasound lady. 

All I could see was Sean’s head dropping and he started to cry quietly.

‘It’s okay. These things happen.’ I said, trying to stop myself from tearing up. 

We were then seen by a doctor who advised that I should have a D&C the next day at Nambour Hospital. I don’t remember much other than trying to hold it together, otherwise I felt like I would explode with grief all over the hospital and scare all of the other patients. Sometimes I wish I could be more selfish.

As soon as we got into the car I howled. It was a raw release of agony to express the shock of the loss. I loved that little being so much and now I had a tiny lifeless body in my uterus.

We then drove to Noosa and checked into the resort. I walked to the ocean and said goodbye to my baby. It was already night time and the darkened waves were comforting.

I know it’s just the body and my soul-baby is going to arrive in perfect, Divine timing.  For me, I know that the Universe has a plan. I know that perhaps there was something wrong with the fetus. I know that at least one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage. And yes, I know that Sean and I going to make the best parents when our baby finally makes an appearance.

On the morning of the 12th of November I was admitted to Nambour Hospital. Ironically, they perform all D&C operations in the birthing suite, so you have to hear the beautiful sounds of new-born babies crying and testing our their gorgeous lung capacity. In a way it was soothing to hear these little people saying ‘hello world, I’m here’.

During the day I was fine, I had my man with me and my beautiful mother. The kids didn’t know that I was only 4 minutes away by car. But my mother’s support for Sean and I will always be remembered. She was amazing.

To put things in perspective, there are always worse things that can happen to a person. I know I’ve already had 2 beautiful, healthy children and that a miscarriage might not seem like much of a painful experience, but I have to allow myself to fully feel whatever comes up emotionally and not make it wrong.

Yep, I blamed myself for a few days. I thought that perhaps I killed my baby by not eating enough or not sleeping enough or whatever. The reality is that it was probably nothing that I did that ended the pregnancy, it was just nature taking her beautiful course.

Beyonce, went through something similar and explained it like this…

 

Ed Sheeran also has this beautiful song which is about miscarriage later in a pregnancy.

 

If you or anyone else you know has suffered from a miscarriage and need support you can check out: http://www.sands.org.au/ 

Also, my friend Dallyce told me that there is a huge difference between saying ‘I AM DEVASTATED’ versus saying ‘THIS IS DEVASTATING’. The key is to not let the event define you.

I have cried a lot, Sean and I have become closer and for now we’re taking one day at a time. This event has been such an awesome opportunity to heal, grow and love on a new level. And even though his or her heartbeat was within me for such a short time, I am so grateful for what that tiny being was able to teach me.

My Wedding: The Happiest Day of My Life

The 21st of September, 2013 was a day that will stay in my heart for the rest of my life. I finally got to marry my best friend, Mr. Sean Patrick Simpson and we had the best time ever surrounded by friends and family present to celebrate our union. We got married at a place called The Rumor Boutique Hotel in Las Vegas. The decor was pink, I got ready in a pink room called ‘The Diva Suite’, the food was Vegan, the weather was perfect and the energy was outstandingly fun and vibrant. What’s also interesting to note is that when I created my vision board a few months ago I wanted a specific floral bouquet for the wedding which I couldn’t have because peonies aren’t in season in America right now. However, a happy accident occurred because the flowers that turned up on my wedding day were exactly the same as on my vision board and were not what I ordered. Love it when things like this manifest. 

The night before the wedding was full of amazing surprises too. We had the rehearsal dinner, followed by a ‘meet and greet’ with the other guests, a beautiful performance by our dear friend and very talented John Stringer and then we went out to the strip in Vegas in a stretch Hummer! (Special thanks to my wonderful bridesmaid Bron). However while taking a walk, my Dad had a bad fall and couldn’t walk properly. We didn’t know if he’d be okay to walk me down the aisle since he’s been having some health issues recently. I just remember Sean and I holding my Dad’s feet giving him an energetic healing. My Mum was there too and I have never been more in love with my parents than during our stay in Vegas. The love and support they showed me was phenomenal and I have never so proud to be a Prout. Long story short, Dad had a good night sleep and was okay the next day to give me away. We were so relieved! However…

I received my dress back from the dry-cleaning concierge and the zipper was entirely broken! My Dad and my beautiful Lady of Honor (Dallyce) spent over an hour sewing me into my dress! Everything was perfect! Even, (and especially) the seeming imperfections were fabulous additions to the overall experience.

Here are some of the first photos that have been released from our amazing photographer (Steven Joseph Photography) – there will be more to come! And our official wedding video will be available in the near future too. We had the pleasure of working with videographer Lightfield Lewis who got an up-close snap shot of our blissful and eccentric time during and leading up to the wedding. I’m pretty sure the footage he captured is going to be awesome. I can’t wait to share it. 

This morning I was walking back from dropping my beautiful kidlets off at school for the day. The sun is shining, the air is warm and the sky is blue. I was thinking about how grateful I am for everything and that my overwhelmed brain right now (due to the launch of Verbii.com) is something to really feel deep appreciation for. We launched a beautiful book publishing service and I couldn’t be happier. I think I’ve got a little post-launch exhaustion.

Anyway, I looked down and noticed this perfectly white feather (pictured above) on the ground and felt compelled to pick it up. Now, being the germophobic lass that I am, I usually discourage my children from picking up grubby stuff from the ground because you never know where it’s been. However, this feather felt different so I bent down and picked it up.

I instantly felt protected. It was weird. I felt like I was holding something really precious.

Someone once told me that finding  a white feather is a sign that you are being looked after by a guardian angel.

So I Googled to confirm…

Feathers are a common form of communication from your angels. If you have prayed to the angels for guidance or for a sign that everything’s going to be okay, be sure to notice feathers, especially white ones. They can appear as tangible objects on the ground or floating from the air. Moreover, you may notice a random image of a feather, such as on television or on the side of a moving truck. The angels use various means to get your attention and let you know they’re here to help. (read more)

This sounded lovely. And at the risk of sounding a little woo-woo or doolally tap, I think I have actually seen angels before on various dream realms etc, but that’s a story for another day.

Have you been given signs from angelic realms? Or have you experienced finding a white feather? I’d love to know. xx

BIG NEWS: I’M ENGAGED!

 

I am over the moon that I get to marry the love of my life (Sean Patrick Simpson), my best friend, my co-pilot of Älska Publishing and the person who I consistently have so much fun + joy with on a daily basis. I love Sean sooooo much and I’m thrilled (beyond words to accurately describe my love) that he’ll be my husband one day in the not too distant future.

*UPDATE: Here’s the official video of how it happened…

How it happened…

November the 1st was my 33rd birthday and one of the best days of my life so far! It was a surprise beyond surprises!

We had a very relaxing day and I was instructed to get dressed at about 4pm (nice clothes, make-up etc) because we were going out. I’m really glad I chose an outfit I was happy with and had my nails done only a few days earlier…pink and glittery!

Sean then told me to close my eyes and we jumped in the car for a short drive. He then placed headphones on my ears and blasted FloRida followed by ‘PrimaDonna Girl’ by Marina + The Diamonds. I was then led out of the car (still with my eyes closed) and told I could open them when he instructed.

LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem was blasting!

We were outside my dad’s house and friends/family and by beautiful children were standing there waiting for me! Also, there was a PINK LIMOUSINE waiting to take us all for a drive!! I was ecstatic (this is a massive understatement). I think I started jumping up and down on the spot and I dropped the F bomb a few times wondering what on earth was going to happen next.

Inside the car was champagne, pink candy and ginger beer waiting for us. I had no clue where we were going or what we were doing. Sean just told me to ‘trust and surrender’ so I did.

We drove to the city in the pink limo…

We were on the corner of Bourke and Elizabeth Street when I saw several beautiful and familiar faces of friends wishing me a happy birthday. They had gathered in front of a band that consisted of 2 guys singing together.  I then heard the band say ‘Happy Birthday Sarah!’ At this point I thought there was someone else there called Sarah that was also having a birthday (duh).

All of a sudden it started to click in my mind that they were singing for me! The Pierce Brothers were amazing. They sang me a song and then said that Sean was then going to sing to me!!! My heart started to fill with excitement.

I was told to sit on a drum while everyone crowded around. This is the precise point when I started getting suspicious that he might be about to propose to me.

Oh my goodness…

He stared singing the Jason Mraz song: ‘I Won’t Give Up’ The lyrics are so very beautiful and I know for a fact this song was very carefully selected. I felt really teary but extremely present in each moment. My kids were wondering what was going on as well. I could see in their eyes that they were super excited. They love Sean as much as I do.

At the end of the song Sean read me a beautiful letter he had written…

My Dear Sarah, From the day we first met I knew you were special. And even before that day, I had already fallen in love with you. Since then, now over 2.5 years past, you have been my best friend, my partner, my lover… What you’ve always been though since before we were even born, is my soul mate, my twin flame, my Universe…the other half of my soul. We’ve been through a lot together you and I: our ups and downs, our trials and tribulations… We’ve even had fears and moments of uncertainty. But what we’ve had more than anything is the immense joy, the laughter, the fun, the hope, the presence in the now and the visions we share for the future. We have simply lived more together in the past 2.5 years than many couples live in a lifetime. And with each passing day Sarah I love you more and more. And you know what? They were right, Älska. You and I can have everything that we desire – there is no separation – no lack – there is only oneness and completion. And it is that oneness that you and I share. And just as you are the other half of my soul Sarah, you are the answer to my question… And for today my love, I do have more last question to ask: a question you’ve wanted, a question you’ve been waiting for… It’s a question I hadn’t asked before because I was once afraid. But Sarah, I’m not scared anymore. I love you. I know exactly what I want and have been eager to ask you this for a while now… So Sarah… Will you marry me?

— As Sean said ‘Will You Marry Me?’  the crowd cheered and all I could hear was the clicking of dozens of cameras. I felt so overjoyed and blissful. The whole world fell away and it was just Sean and I in a very very very present moment of pure love. Then I realised there were lots and lots of people staring at me! I just wanted to HUG everyone! I felt like even complete strangers were my friend! This was an instance of feeling Love and Oneness for everyone and everything. 

The engagement ring

My love got down on one knee and presented me with the most beautiful ring I have ever seen in my life! It is absolutely perfect and exquisitely crafted. It was made by Madison Jewellery and I highly recommend them! The diamond has the most amazing sparkle to it and I knew that it was a more-than-accurate representation of our love. I really feel like the luckiest girl in the world!!! This was the best birthday ever!

Dinner at Chocolate Buddha

My friends and family then made our way down to Federation Square to have dinner at an Asian inspired restaurant that had statues of Buddha as part of the amazingly designed interior.

I had a glass of champagne and item number 111 on the menu which was the vegetarian bento box. My heart was BEAMING the entire time being surrounded by beautiful people and having my handsome husband-to-be by my side.

After dinner we said our goodbyes to friends and went back to the pink limo so our driver (George) could take us to the next location…

Crown Towers

My dad is AMAZING. He paid for Sean and I to have a romantic evening in a deluxe hotel suite. The guy at the check-in said we had been given a complimentary upgrade which seemed to be an excellent addition to our adventures in manifesting thus far.

The room was beautiful.

Sean and I opened another bottle of champagne and felt so in love! After a while we decided to go and explore the casino and the hotel. I noticed that on each floor near the elevator they had a different coloured canvas which was perfect for a photoshoot. I think we stopped on about 10 floors to take happy snaps.

At about 1am we went back to the room and had a bubble bath before bed. The bathroom was fabulous. It had a TV installed into the wall!

It was at about 2am we fell asleep as a newly engaged couple. I have never felt so in love!

The morning after…

Sean pressed the remote to open the blinds. The light was REALLY BRIGHT and I said: ‘Oh, that’s violent!’. I peeled my eyes open to look out the window and shouted ‘RAINBOW!!!!!!!’

Yes, a rainbow appeared on the moment that we awoke as an engaged couple. It was our special sign of perfection + completion.

The divine pool + beautiful breakfast

We got out of bed and went for a swim in the deluxe hotel pool. It was so refreshing and beautiful. Then we went to a glorious buffet breakfast at The Conservatory before heading home to see the kids and my dad.

In summary…

My life with Sean Patrick Simpson is already amazing. Every single day is an adventure and he’s right when he says that we fall deeper in love as the years roll by. I feel so fortunate and filled with gratitude that I’ve found someone that wants to share his life with me and my children. The journey from being a single mumma to a bride-to-be has been a wild ride. I know now that in life anything is possible if you trust and surrender. 

Special thanks

My special day would not have been possible without the following people:

– Avak Alan Bedikian (Madison Jewellery) for making the most beautiful ring on the planet

– PinkLimos.com.au for an experience I will never forget. You KNOW how much I love pink right?

– Jack and Pat (The Pierce Brothers) for being in perfect alignment with Sean’s proposal vision

– Michael Firth and Nicole Rigato for taking gorgeous photos and being such wonderful friends

– Amber Petty for being such a beautiful friend and helping Sean with the planning and keeping such a huge secret

– My special friends and family for your amazing support and love. I LOVE YOU ALL and it’s been such an honour to share this exciting time in my life with you.

 YOU, for reading this post to the very end. Your support means the world to me.Sean, I love him with all of my heart and can’t wait to be his wife. xo

ps. You’ll be able to see a video of the event very soon. Watch this space!

pps. I’ve already started a WEDDING INSPIRATION BOARD ON PINTEREST.

COPYRIGHT © 2017 SARAH PROUT/SOUL SPACE MEDIA LLC