Author: Sarah Prout

It’s A GIRL!

 

I just realised that I didn’t write a post to announce that I found out that I am having a baby GIRL!

When I wrote this post a few weeks ago I had just taken the Verifii test to see if everything was okay and to also confirm the gender. I was so surprised how far technology has come since I had my daughter nearly nine years ago. To think you can find out all of this stuff from a simple blood test.

I waited patiently all week for the results, and then it was late on a Friday afternoon and I swear I developed super-sonic hearing. I’m not kidding, I heard my phone buzzing on silent from inside my zipped handbag about eight metres away! As soon as I plunged into my bag, it already displayed ‘1 missed call’ on the screen. I knew it was my doctor and I also started to panic because the office was just about to close for a three-day weekend!

I called back immediately at 5.01pm and to my surprise the doctor answered the phone from the front desk on her way out. She told me everything came back perfectly ‘normal’ for the chromosome tests and that I was having a girl. Yep, two little XX chromosomes.

I ran back inside all shaky and excited and walked into our office to tell Sean (my husband). It was one of those moments where he just knew that I found out something life changing.

“We’re having a baby girl.”

After all of the trouble we’ve had in the last year I didn’t care at all whether it was a boy or a girl, but now I’m super-excited and happy to start the nesting process. My kids are really happy as well to have a new little sister on the way in March 2015.

A few months ago we made the decision that we needed to move to a tropical location and live by the beach (from Melbourne to Noosa). Our plan was to start to heal from the emotional pain and trauma of loss after loss. I had 5 miscarriages in about 8 months and I felt like a failure. My body was burnt out, my soul felt tired and it was time for a fresh start. My dearest wish was to work on the pain that had occurred and rid myself of the energy that was holding me back. Thanks to the special help of a couple of very unique healers, I was able to slowly get to a space of hopefulness.

After the first three losses I was offered placement at the Recurring Miscarriage Clinic at the Mercy Hospital to figure out the cause. I had numerous tests that all came back as inconclusive. All we knew is that that baby I lost in May was due to a chromosomal issue (like most losses) and that it would have been a girl. The others were ‘just rotten luck’ as one of the doctors had explained.

After the 5th loss I was keen to give my body a break, so my husband and I decided to be more ‘careful’ since he could pretty much sneeze on me and get me pregnant. However, all it takes is once and boom…magic happens.

Ten days after we drove 23 hours to move from state to state, I peed on the pregnancy test because I ‘just had a feeling’ that something might be different. Sure enough the miraculous two pink lines showed up and I knew we were in for another wild ride.

Of course my mind was racing with fear from week to week. Each day was a milestone. At around 6 weeks I started to bleed. It was an all too familiar episode.

Tears were flooding and I was so afraid that I would lose another baby. Sean (my husband) and I headed off to the hospital emergency room to figure out what was going on.

Considering I was pretty much an expert at miscarriages at this point, I knew that bleeding ‘always’ meant that things would be taking turn for the worst. I knew the drill – no heartbeat, slow heartbeat, no growth, no foetal pole – time for a D & C, perhaps Misprostal (the abortion drug) or a natural loss that feels like excruciating period pain.

The wait at the hospital to see a doctor can sometimes take hours of arduous waiting and waiting. The time drags – the dog-earred old magazines are filled with happy celebrity baby stories which are like rubbing salt on a wound.

After a few hours Sean had to leave to pick up the kids from school. I was feeling okay and told him that I knew what to expect and I would be fine.

Another hour passed and I decided to take out my phone and write message to the baby. This was an attempt at calming myself and getting my heart into a good space of being open to all possibilities.

It’s going to be okay. I love you. Be safe. I’m grateful for you. I’m grateful to god/the Universe no matter what happens. It is my honour to carry you. No matter what the outcome I am here, I am well, you are safe.

Then my name was called.

I went into the cubicle and explained my story to the doctor. They always ask if it’s IVF since not many people at my age (34) can conceive so easily and regularly. I was then taken down for an ultrasound – the final frontier, these things were always so definitive.

Sean wasn’t with me and I was kind of happy about that because I didn’t want to put him through the emotional pain again. I just knew that things weren’t working out, or so I convinced myself.

The technician inserted the probe. Oh gosh, it was one of those internal ultrasounds that gives you a really good look since everything in there is pretty tiny. 2014 is officially the year where the most about of people have seen my vagina – records have been broken *laugh*. 

The time slows right down to at snail’s pace when you’re at a crossroad like this. It’s a make or break slow motion experience where you have to hold your breath and hope for the best.

And then…

“See that, that boom boom boom? That’s the heartbeat!”

5 weeks 3 days and I got to see the heartbeat, 100 beats per minute.

I couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t believe there was life in there.

When Sean arrived I was sitting on the hospital bed grinning from ear to ear like an idiot, which really confused him. He was so relieved!

Everything looked fine and so the next leg of the waiting game would unfold. Apparently I had a ‘subchorionic hematoma’ which was a pool of blood in my uterus. The doctor told me it’s 50/50 chance of survival when these happen.

At about 6 weeks I had a second set of blood-work taken and my HCG levels were rising nicely. It was about this time that the morning sickness started to kick in with a vengeance.

I would literally have to carry plastic bags in my handbag in case I needed to throw up while I was out. Most of the day I felt dizzy, the smell of food would make me gag and all I could eat was 2-minute noodles because they were pretty easy to throw up. Even my days as a bulimic didn’t train me for morning sickness. I ‘thought’ I had it with my son and then got it worse with my daughter, but nothing like this. Absolutely nothing like the feeling of being perpetually ill and hugging the ‘porcelain pony’ several times per day. I know people that have experienced ‘hyperemesis gravidarum’ where it’s so bad they have to be hospitalised – just like the Dutchess of Cambridge. I’m pretty lucky it didn’t get to this, but there were many tears, tantrums and moments of desperation. It’s so hard to feel grateful when your stomach is churning and you’re too tired to lift your head off the bed. I just had remain focussed and keep my eyes on the prize.

Cooking food of any kind in our house has been kept to a bare minimum over the last 7 weeks, and only now and am I starting to emerge from my bed and feel a little bit normal again. Ginger beer and salt crackers have been my faithful friend.

Baby Prout-Simpson

(baby Prout-Simpson arriving mid-late March 2015)

When I hit 12 weeks I was so happy. Apparently the likelihood of miscarriage is really low. Our ultrasound showed a perfectly perfect little being that actually measured 4 days more than we thought. The baby had 10 fingers, 10 toes and long little legs. He/she had the hiccups and was sucking his/her thumb! I’m also starting to show now a little too.

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(this is my first baby bump photo)

There was a minor concern with some of the bloodwork and the measurement of the Nuchal scan so I had to do another round of prenatal testing called the Verifii test. The doctor assured me that everything looks okay and she just wants to be sure in order to put my mind at rest. Sean and I made the decision that we will have this baby no matter what.

So this week will will know for sure if everything is okay and if our baby is a boy or a girl. I am so excited to get that phone call! I’ll probably announce it on Facebook so watch this space. The response on Facebook from our family and friends has been so overwhelming, Sean, Thomas, Olivia and I feel incredibly grateful.

In summary, it’s crazy to think that in the last 12 months I have been pregnant for 10 of them. And now at a little over 13 weeks I am so thrilled to feel hopeful that one day I’ll finally hold this soul baby in my arms.

It’s proven that meditation has fabulous health benefits. Not only does it reduce stress levels and release happy hormones in your brain, but it means that you feel engaged and connected to a higher power.

Being connected to our higher selves is so important. Whether you called it Force, Source, God, The Universe…whatever…meditation is a way to recharge the soul batteries and take a chill pill.

If making yourself meditate isn’t your thing, then check out the following 5 ways your brain will roll into Alpha and give you similar effects with little or no effort.

1. During sexy-sexy time

You’re relaxed, surrendered, fully present (sometimes) and participating in an act of love. Sex (lurve making) is an excellent way to connect with your own soul and/or the soul of your soulmate.

2. In the car

When you’re on the road sometimes it’s so easy to drift into a space of mindfulness where you’re aware on the traffic conditions (for safety) but you’re also allowing your mind to drift into a peaceful space of surrender.

3. Playing with your pets

Animals are the Universal ambassadors of joy. When you connect with your pets then you are meditating because you’re being fully present with them. It’s not like your dog will hold a grudge about the past, they are fully here now and wagging their tails. Go on, wag your tail.

4. Being in nature

As I’m writing these words I can hear birds singing and the roar of the beautiful ocean outside my window – the sun has just risen over the water.

Whether it’s feeling your feet on the sand or walking through a garden smelling freshly cut grass or watching butterflies flutter around you – try and appreciate the nature around you.

When you are in wonderment of it then you tune into its vibration and it becomes your meditation.

5. Waiting in a line

Instead of feeling ticked off or grumpy that you have to wait in a queue at the post office why not turn it into an opportunity to cultivate presence? Observe the beauty all around you and see the humanity. A friend of mine once told me that infinite patience gives you immediate results.

abuse

I get a lot of women writing to me since we released the 21 Days to Attract Your Soulmate course earlier this year. I get amazing questions like this…

“I am also considering myself in a phase of huge growth, and am questioning my relationship. While not abusive, verbal abuse shows up every three months or so. It also seems we’re growing apart as our ‘beliefs’ are changing … e.g. life is hard vs. life is great … as well as spiritual stuff. Sometimes I think it would free me to move on, but I don’t want to ‘give up’ either.”

“He calls me a bitch or says I’m stupid at least once a month. I know it’s more about him than it is me, it just leaves me questioning whether or not we should be together.”

As I tell all of my clients and students, I am not a professional with relationship stuff. All I can offer is my perspective and experience and maybe that will shed some insight and light.

Verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse – it screws with your brain plasticity and rewires your sense of self to behave differently. Honestly, it changes who you are but as a caveat here, there is a very broad spectrum of what someone should be willing to tolerate.

I have been verbally abusive and I have been verbally (and physically) abused. The word ‘abuse’ is so loaded and heavy.

We all makes mistakes. No one is perfect and I think that communication break down and frustration is the most likely reason why partners peck away at their loved ones. They feel out of control and feel not so good about themselves, so they take it out on people around them. This is the most likely weak spot where you’re often finding that you’re drifting apart instead of growing together in the same direction.

As one half of a relationship you need to be on the same page and not stuck in a cycle of pushing the self destruct button when things get rough. You’re either in or you’re out – the fence sitting has to end because that lack of honest commitment to what you really want would cause a lot of anxiety and stress.

Action: Get clear about what you really want.

I sat on the fence for a decade and just heaped on the excuses and ignored my feelings. For me it was what I imagine being gay and pretending that you’re straight would be like. I wasn’t living my authentic truth of being in the kind of relationship I wanted for myself.

With my love Sean, we have had some epic fights that have sometimes teetered over the boundaries into being not okay – but they are still fixable and after the storm has passed we break down a new way of being and handling situations. We discuss what we want and that our mutual focus is that we love one another and want to share our lives as a union in the fullest way possible.

Yes, he’s called me a bitch and I’ve hurled insults at him that he’s an arse-hole, a cock smack or a dick head – but it’s still in the heat of the moment and I know the difference. I’m fully owning the immaturity here, we both did after the event.

The best advice was given to us by a dear friend that suggested we use a safety word or a code word that is non-negotiable and we are to go to our own separate corners to cool down and we will regroup when the aggression has settled. This has helped tremendously. Not so much due to the code word, but due to the fact that it has given us a filter to walk away when we know things are getting heated.

As a union is a super-valuable tool to remember and practice.

With my first husband he used a creative gamut of verbal abuse saying that no one would love me with the spare tyre I had around my middle or that I was a Fat Slag (gosh, that was a nasty one) especially after I had just given birth to my daughter.

The difference between the two was that one was used to hurt and go in for the kill to damage my self of self, and the other is a heat of the moment outburst to shock me out of my spiral – huge difference in my opinion.

One is part of the healthy and not-so-often disagreements that a married couple might experience and the other pecks away at your soul and manipulates you into thinking that you’re less than you are.

I would love to live in a happy land of Unicorns where it’s all rosy all the time, but it’s not. Relationships are our teachers that whip our souls into shape and make us better people. When they start to hurt our hearts and make them feel heavy, it’s definitely time to make a choice and make a change.

I hope this helps a little and inspires you to stand back and witness next time this happens (if it does) and know that not everything is black and white, or cut and dry – there is a middle ground where you have the awareness to discern how you really want to be treated in your life and what you’re willing to put up with.

Just like physical abuse, the biggest issue is the silence and the stigma associated with our relationships not being perfect.

Screw being perfect – you are a beautiful energetic being that deserves to feel heard, validated and happy.

I would love to know your thoughts and experiences about this. please feel free to comment below.

The beauty of life is that our perception changes over time based on experience and what shows up in our reality.

It’s so easy to assume and to judge what someone else is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes. I don’t think I really understood this concept until all of my preconceived notions and judgements of other people were challenged – and it’s still an ongoing process.

I remember when I would threaten to leave my ex-husband and he would say that I’d end up like ‘Ivy’ – a single mother that we knew that lived in a poorer part of town. The fear and my judgement of ‘Ivy’ is what made me stay, until I became her and found it to be the most empowering experience ever. My perception of single motherhood shifted and allowed me to break down the fear and see the beauty through it.

Another example is when we discovered that our neighbours were getting divorced because the husband had an affair with a younger woman. I remember feeling rattled and angry that he did this to his wife and to their three children – until I myself had an affair the following Autumn. What I learnt from that experience was that there are so many other layers going on within a relationship that you can’t know about unless you’re in it.

I remember when I was a teenager there was this local homeless guy called John who was as cranky as Oscar the Grouch. He sported the most acrid stench and lugged around a blanket like Linus from Peanuts. John would urinate in store doorways and yell at people from a distance.

Apparently he was a wealthy businessman with a loving family and the word on the street was that he chose to live this lifestyle of homelessness to keep his family away from the sadness of his mental illness.

Too often we jump to make things wrong without knowing the full picture.

Another common judgement is that when you have more money you’ll be happy and problems just disappear – they don’t. You see the lessons keep showing up until you ‘get’ them.

The best attitude to carry around in your heart is compassion – not only for others but for yourself.

The bottom line and the golden thread that binds us all is that we are all living, breathing, human beings. We all crave the same intrinsic comforts to stay alive.

So next time you think of assuming that things are a certain way, stop, pause and cultivate the awareness that there is always so much more behind the perception of a story.

**(This post is dedicated to my beautiful husband Sean. I’m ALL in, for life and beyond).

About two weeks ago I peed on a stick and the two pink lines showed up which means I am pregnant (yet again). This is number 5 in just seven months. The news was a complete surprise as I was looking forward to giving my body a little break after suffering four consecutive losses. The news landed just a couple of days before my highly anticipated appointment with the recurrent miscarriage clinic at the Mercy Hospital here in Melbourne.

They took between 12-14 vials of blood and ran all of the tests under the sun to figure out what my malfunction is. I was also prescribed progesterone pessaries (oh boy, too much information!).

A few days went by and I started to bleed and cramp, paired with all of the usual suspects associated with an impending loss. And as you could imagine my mind is racing at a million miles an hour thinking that this can’t be a good sign.

Sean and I were in the ER for most of Monday. My HCG levels had risen in 11 days and I was given the all clear by the doctor that there was nothing ‘wrong’ with my tests and all of my losses were due to ‘inconclusive reasons’. I was then told to go to level 3 for an internal ultrasound to see if they could see what’s going on.

At this stage I am (roughly) 5 weeks maybe 6, so it’s super early. The room goes dark and the technician looks at my kidneys, my liver and tells me my uterus is in superb condition to be able to carry a baby to term.

They see a tiny sac and yolk sac, but no fetal pole. The doctor and the technician can’t say either way whether it will work out or not, it could go either way. This was not very reassuring.

Sean and I then had to go back downstairs to wait in the ER for the doctor to fully explain the results.

“It doesn’t look good. You have quite a ‘big bleed’ in there and it’s likely you will lose this pregnancy. You’ve just had a horrible run of BAD LUCK.”

So it wasn’t a no and it wasn’t a resounding yes. Here we go again into the land of limbo.

Holy fuck. Bad luck? Really? My eyes were stinging with the news as I was trying to hold back a tsunami of tears.

Not again. Please God, not again.

I was being prepared for the worst and yet my mind still wants to question the accuracy of the diagnosis and hold hope.

There is a chance that this little life could pull through and grow. I have to wait until Tuesday to see what’s going on. There are thousands of ‘success stories’ out there from women who were wrongly diagnosed.

Am I scared? Am I sad? Yes. Am I brave, hopeful and trying my best to keep this in perspective and pray my arse off for a miracle to happen? Youbetcha.

This process has been such a wonderful training ground to bring it back to what’s most important in life…your mental, physical and spiritual health.

Mental health is a serious issue and if I’m 100% transparent here, my self-worth has taken a huge bashing over the last 8 months. I feel like I have been on a fierce training ground to cultivate compassion within myself, to see the love and commitment that my husband and I share, to cherish each day as a gift that I can stay pregnant and to take everything moment by moment and turn it into a milestone to celebrate.

 

My dearest mentor reminds me that being comfortable with the idea that it’s not going to work out this time, or maybe it will will be a powerful and important element to moving forward and accepting change. Everything changes, all the bloody time. It’s a constant force churning the cogs of humanity. Uncertainty is something we all have to face in our lives. It totally sucks, but the awareness that life is taking us on a wild ride helps immensely.

I can’t wrap a threatened miscarriage up in a pretty personal development bow and make it seem fun and educational because it’s one of the most anxiety-ridden experiences I have ever had. But what this effed-up, scary time is teaching me is that beautiful acts of compassion are everywhere. I’m learning and growing through the connection and amazing women and their wisdom that has emerged from the energetic ashes of my loss.

Being pregnant is a powerful teacher that we are always ‘expecting’ whether we’re knocked-up or not – that life expands, changes who we are, and gets us to newfound levels of beautiful awareness.

I promise to write an update as soon as I can. In the meantime, positive energy and prayers would be greatly appreciated.

The Power of Hitting Rock Bottom

Hitting rock bottom is a blessing. You’re at the end of your rope, at your wit’s end, up to your ears in despair and ready abandon ship. At this point in your life there is only one way to go and it’s usually up. It’s time to reframe your perspective and re-assess what you really want to create in your life.

The defining happy moments and highlights in our lives are cherished – when a child is born, wedding days, landing a book deal etc. But in hindsight (oh, what powerful teacher) there are the defining low points in our lives that we know shaped who we are today.

We look back and see how emotional pain illuminated a new path and created profound change.

Hitting rock bottom is just an illusion and an opportunity for expansion. I’ve hit it so many times myself in various ways, but the awareness that it can always be worse is an extremely important tool for your spiritual toolbox.  You can’t always remember when you’re in the thick, all-foreboding raptures of rock-bottomness but it’s important to note that any time you feel overwhelmed by life not going your way that it’s all part of a beautiful story that is being woven by your soul.

So if you’re crying uncontrollably, feeling hopeless, uninspired, overwhelmed, angry or even depressed, please have some self-compassion and ask for support. Surround yourself in gentle reminders that tough times pass and that everything will always look a little better tomorrow. Try things like shifting your energy by doing new things or getting clear about what you want to manifest in your life.

One of my most favourite quotes by Florence Scovel Shinn is this:

“Every great work, every big accomplishment, has been brought into manifestation through holding to the vision, and often just before the big achievement, comes apparent failure and discouragement.”

Rock bottom is apparent failure at her best. Ride it with gratitude and watch how strong you become.

Anyone can develop super-powers if they pay close attention to their language patterns. The words we choose to say to others and to ourselves have the power to heal, to nurture and to nourish. Keep these 10 special power phrases and words close to your heart and speak them as often as possible and you will see miraculous shifts in your life.

1. I LOVE YOU

It always makes me laugh when I see movies where the boyfriend or girlfriend say ‘I love you’ for the first time like it’s a huge deal, or they have given away a chunk of their soul. I love you it such a beautiful way of expressing love that it doesn’t just have to be reserved for romance. I tell my kids at least 3 times a day that I love them. And my husband and I say it all the time. It’s a way of connecting…like sending out a signal to fuel the relationship with good feeling energy. In fact, we dive a lot into this concept in 21 Days to Attract Your Soulmate Course.

Tell your parents you love them too. For anyone that you genuinely LOVE, it’s a good idea to let them know. Or alternatively, SHOW them you love them in your own love language. Make sure you release any emotional blockages around saying it.

And release the pain if your parents didn’t say it to you. Create your own rituals, patterns and associations. I LOVE YOU.

2. THANK YOU

Gratitude is a beautiful thing to practice whenever you get an opportunity and there are so many in the course of a day. When you’re in the supermarket remember to make eye contact with your check-out person and say thank you.  Say thank you to yourself. Say thank you to your pets, your doctor, your mail person, your pool cleaner guy, your dead great-grandmother, your enemies, your ex-bloody husband.

Say thank you in the safe space of your inner dialogue and let it flow to the outside world.

3. NO

Nope. I don’t think so. It’s not gonna happen.

Be nice about declining offers and feel perfectly worthy enough to say no to stuff you don’t want to do. NO can be really empowering to use effectively. Learning how to say no is a gift, as long as it’s done with conscious awareness.

4. I APPRECIATE YOU

A few days ago I went to Boost Juice and they were letting the long line of customers that had just ordered their juice know that their juicer had over-heated. You should have seen how grumpy people were getting! I stood and waited for them to call my order. While I was waiting I could feel the energy of the people that were getting pissed off that they might not get their juice. I decided to appreciate the awesome staff instead.

‘You guys are doing an awesome job and I know it’s a bit tricky right now.’

Then my name was called.

‘Sarah, a medium Veggie Garden juice with wheat grass!’

I was the last person to get my juice before they had to close the register. Heh, heh, heh.The trick was to hold the space of appreciation, express sincere appreciation and then let the energy sort itself out. As for the grumpy peeps? No juice for them.

5. YES

Just like in the movie ‘YES MAN’ with Jim Carrey you need to learn how to accept opportunities and put yourself out there. YES is a powerful affirmation to the Universe that you are ready for serious manifesting action. With the caveat that the invitation you are accepting is totally safe and empowering … then GO FOR IT! Yes, is freeing. It will get you out of your comfort zone and allow for new things to be drawn into your reality. Yes, yes, yes.

6. IT’S A POSSIBILITY

This is a great statement that is very helpful as an inner dialogue conversation. By saying that something is a possibility, you open yourself up to possibilities. It’s a statement of being open to expansion. If anything is possible then you truly need to be objective enough to see that it is. This concept has been introduced to me by my beautiful husband. He’s great at making this statement, so it’s not dismissive, it’s open.  It’s an awesome buffer statement to the secret ingredient of marriage which is compromise.

7. I FORGIVE YOU

Forgiveness is powerful stuff, especially if you think someone has treated you unfairly.Let it go. The real thing you should be saying to yourself  is I FORGIVE YOU. Feel it in your cells and release the hold that any guilt has on you. Shame, guilt, pent-up feelings of unworthiness are great opportunities to practice 

8. I SEE YOU

These are my personal top 3 favourite words clumped together. In fact, they were the last 3 words of my wedding vows to Sean. ‘I SEE YOU’ is spiritual recognition that you are more than just a meat suit, you are connected to a Divine intelligence that animates your soul. When you say ‘I see you’ to your soul friends, it cuts the crap on every superficial level and allows you to operate from a sublime space of truth.

9. LOVE

The word LOVE is possibly the best verb in the Universe. It has transformative powers to shift things on a molecular level. Atomic structures reformat themselves in response to the word and the feeling of love. Remember the beautiful man that did the experiments on water and emotion with crystals? His name is Dr. Masaro Emoto. Check out his work, it is truly miraculous.

When you consciously choose to use the word ‘LOVE’ more in your language patterns you create a shift in your level of awareness. You want to be using the word ‘LOVE’ a lot more than you use that nasty word ‘hate’. The word LOVE is a magnet and will draw awesome stuff and experiences in your direction.

10. MIRACULOUS

When you drop the word miraculous into a sentence, or you look for opportunities to use that word more often then it will show up. Miracles are awesome, so to express the miraculous nature of something in a conversation with someone is to bring a huge energy of excitement to the present moment.

Hope you enjoyed this little batch of inspiration.

COPYRIGHT © 2017 SARAH PROUT/SOUL SPACE MEDIA LLC